Yeah Boy, It's the Flavor Flav Roast Monday, August 13, 2007 Posted by jaygross Comments: 0
There have been some relevantly important things happening in the past few weeks, such as the following:
- Tom Glavine becomes the last pitcher to ever win 300 games.
- Barry Bonds breaks Hank Aaron’s home record.
- A-Rod becomes the youngest player to hit home run #500.
- Corey Haim and Corey Feldman have a new TV show, and Corey Feldman has a hot (seemingly normal) wife.
- Eric Gagne blows 8th inning leads on Friday and Sunday to Baltimore – ruining very solid starts by Daisuke Matsuzaka and Curt Schilling. The
- Sox should have swept the series, but instead they lose 2 of 3.
The Red Sox lead has shrunk to 4 games over the red hot Yankees, and I am officially panicked. I can already hear the taunting of Yankee fans at work tomorrow, and I am sure I will hear 1978 (as 1918 no longer means anything).
Now all of these events could be considered notable and each makes me more ill than the previous one. It’s gotten so bad that I have had a simultaneous flashback of the Aaron Boone and Bill Buckner at once. So I need a truly monumental event to pick up my spirits and add some life to this blog. The good folks at MTV Networks show they can come through like Adam Vinatieri at the end of playoff games.
Comedy Central presents The Roast of Flavor Flav
Before I begin any commentary on the event’s festivities, I have a sad but true confession. I dressed up as Flavor Flav for Halloween in 2000 (way before he went on the Surreal Life and made his comeback) at a crazy party in SOHO. Even though it was a last minute costume choice based on a dare, I went all out. I had the clock around my neck, the beat up fake teeth (2 were gold), the super baggy sweat outfit, the cheesy super-sized glasses, and the sideways baseball cap. The unfortunate part was that no one knew who I was – and very few knew who he was even after I told them. It is a very good thing that no pictures have survived from that night.
I must also admit I got sucked in and faithfully watched Flavor of Love (seasons 1 and 2) along with spin-offs Charm School and I Love New York. I am not a fan of his music (I always thought Chuck D was 100% of the talent in Public Enemy), but he is the perfect Reality TV personality. I couldn’t help but watch as he drooled over his hoochie mommas and how they drooled over him. I found myself participating in conversations about the show’s possible outcomes with people of different backgrounds and walks in life – the sheer possibility of him being dumb enough to pick “New York” seemed to polarize people better than any George W. Bush can do. I think society as we know it hit a new low at the end of the first season, when he picked “Hoopz” and presented her with the gift of gold teeth – I was betting on him getting matching his and her clocks.
Two days ago my wife told me about the roast, so we both decided we had to clear the Sunday TV watching schedule. I can’t think of an easier target than this guy with his clocks, his Viking hat, the small army of children that resemble him, and his mastery of the close to English language. This is just too brilliant of an idea and has instant classic written all over it. You know I must have married really well, as my wife and I can enjoy something like this together.
Unfortunately the show itself was filled with obscenities and sexually explicit material, so a vast majority of funnier (but more offensive) events/jokes will not be included. Since this is a family related site, I’ll set the scene and detail a bit about each presenter.
The roast starts with Flav flying in from the rafters with clock and all. I know we are supposed to be in trouble when we see pigs flying, but what does it mean a jackass does?
Once he lands, two scantily clad girls immediately greet him and put a flimsy gold crown on his head. They looked like they are ready for a fulfilling career in rap videos. As Flav wears the crown all I could think about was the cardboard crowns I got as a kid at Burger King.
Before he sits himself down on the honoree throne, his body does a scary gyration for 3 seconds. It was like the guys from Stomp the Yard were having a seizure. Flav’s outfit is an oversized royal blue pinstripe suit, mouth filled with gold teeth, dark sunglasses, and the crown.
Mr. Superpimp himself, Katt Williams, is the roast master. He is certainly one of the funniest guys on Wild’N Out and he sports the wannabe Prince look better than anyone else I have seen. Katt fires quick when he asked where rest of flying monkeys from Wizard of Oz would be coming.
Then Katt introduces a montage of the career of William Drayton (aka Flavor Flav). It starts with some vintage Public Enemy clips to the song Fight The Power. They show old school 80’s Flav with hair on top of his head and shaved all around – the guy looked like a used Q-Tip. The scenes progress to more recent times – centered around his disturbing exploits with Bridget and a load of TV hoochies. ________________________________________________
The first spot at these things is usually given to Jeff Ross, as he is vicious and hilarious but almost completely unknown. Greg Giraldo filled it admirably, as we were laughing during his whole rant – but we still don’t know who he is.
He says Ice T is so old, that the first thing he bought with his record money was his freedom.
He said Katt is like Afrosheen – white people heard of it, but no knows what you do.
He says Jimmy Kimmel show is so bad that he should get ready to soon host “Who’s Your Baby’s Daddy” episodes on the Maury Povich show.
He says Flav is so skinny that he looks like a skeleton trapped in electrical tape. ________________________________________________
Jimmy Kimmel is usually the roast master, and has actually been roasted 3 years ago himself. Even though every dogs his late night show, I have high hopes for him in this role. He was OK, but not great. Some funny material included:
Flav has 7 kids by 14 women, and is hoping to have 3 more. He may be responsible for more homeless black kids than Hurricane Katrina. Give him a vasectomy for good of human race.
When he saw Bridget and Flav together, he thought it was a show by Joan Embry and SD zoo animals.
Original show name - black guy impregnates 20 whores. Tv pans to crowd as all Flavor of Love girls give him the finger. He says that action will certainly change perceptions and they need another season of charm school.
One of the best lines of the night, Flav looks like open casket for James Brown. ______________________________________________________
Jeff Ross comes on in and I think he stole some of Flav’s clothes - horrible suit with the butterfly collar and the pseudo top hat. He was the anti-Pimp. I was expecting a letdown with Jeff (as expectations were high), but he came through guns blazing. It’s great to find someone who understands their calling in life – one time per year he can really insult everyone in the building. He was our vote for the best presenter.
He asks everyone “How do you roast a piece of charcoal”. I think most people didn’t get it, but I thought it was great – as Flav is so burnt. He then says that starving kids send Flav 50 cents a day. He says Flav started out as a rights crusader, but now has sold out quicker than iPhone.
He called the Flavor of Love girls the “gold teeth diggers”. They seemed to be very bitter every time they were targets. ______________________________________________________
Simore's rant was mostly not appropriate for this site and a letdown overall. Her big line to Bridget, as it was first time she had to thank a white chick - for taking Flav off the market. ______________________________________________________
Snoop Dogg comes out to a HUGE ovation. He is decked out in the classic pigtales and looks like he is all messed up. Whatever he was taking sure didn’t effect his efficiency of insults.
He asks Katt if he got his pimp clothes at baby gap. Then comments how Katt drinks Hennessey out of sippee cup.
He refers to Carrot Top as the Bride of Chucky
He says Pat Oswald looks like Ozzy Ozbourne’s fat kid who went to rehab. ____________________________________________________________
Even though I am a closet Law and Order SVU fan, Ice T is not one of my favorites. The camera did continually pan to his wife Coco in the crowd, who is much easier on anyone’s eyes than Ice T.
He asks Carrot Top what happened, did the doctor get half way through his sex change and give up.
He says Simone (referring to her as RuPaul) is so scary that she can make a guy in jail cut a congical visit short.
He says that Snoop smoked so much weed that when he farted the whole first row got munchies. ______________________________________________________
Bridget Neilsen walks on stage, and my wife comes through with the “holy cow”. She’s 6’3 and certainly filled out since we last saw her. Add in the facts that she was in a leopard print dress and actually dated Flav, and one can only imagine what is going on in her head. ______________________________________________________
Now everyone dogged Carrot Top continuously. I think he has gotten some plastic surgery, as he now has this freaky permanent smile kind of like Jack Nicklaus had playing the joker in the original Batman movie.
Surprisingly CT fought back pretty strong ripping on all the other presenters. The best ones were when he opened up a big trunk of props. ______________________________________________________
Lisa Lampanelli is annoying beyond belief and is beyond obnoxious. She comes out dressed in this big purple moo-moo dress, and all I could think is that Carrot Top looks like Ronald McDonald and she looks like Grimace. I guess that would make Flav the Hamburglar.
She says she confused Katt for Mister Hanky from South Park.
Tonight that everyone used N-word as often Sarah Silverman uses Kimmel for air time
The Flavor of Love girls look like they are ready to work the 3am shift at the Jacksonville waffle house.
Important Breaking News:
They show several commercials for a new movie coming out called Good Luck Chuck. It features Jessica Alba as the jinxed clutzy girl that makes the red haired kid from Problem Child look safe. Although I love Alba, and any news about her is blogworthy in itself, there is a bigger happening here. Actor Dane Cook is the co-star in the movie as Alba’s boyfriend. Cook played Jessica Simpson’s love interest and kissed her in Employee of the Month. He now only needs to play opposite Jessica Biel to achieve the ultimate Triple Crown - Simpson, Alba, and Biel.

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